I don’t understand …’ And my legs register as firewood. “New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.” —Johnny Carson, “It’s so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves.” —Johnny Carson, “Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” —Johnny Carson, “My dad was the town drunk. He went downstairs to the living room. Lots of jokes. She said, "We can't do that!" I don’t get cold.’ Just ‘cause you’re from a cold place doesn’t mean you’re genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, ‘What happened today?’ and they’re like, ‘There’s a perv in Queens!’ You’d be like, ‘All right, thank you.’ Or, rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper, and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. I would have said, ‘Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.’” ―John Mulaney, “I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, ‘Madge, give us the scoop! Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”, They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. "Oh! Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices. Talk to the lock, because communication is key. It’s just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. And they are all true! ’Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. I want to be plastic.” —Andy Warhol, “I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light?” —Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, “Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.” —David Letterman, “In Los Angeles, by the time you’re 35, you’re older than most of the buildings.” —Delia Ephron, “It’s so crowded in Los Angeles these days … if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel.” —Bob Hope, “Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I don’t have to go to Los Angeles. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. 5495 Jokes; 202 Videos; How Recent: 6 Months. ", My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”, A man arrives to the airport with three bags. You’ve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, ’cause he just left him there. I didn’t get much sleep. They’d say, ‘There goes Obama! That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. From gentrification to Staten Island to public indecency, they covered all the things we love to hate. Who Should (and Will) Win at the 2021 Grammy Awards? Fields, “Living in L.A. adds ten years to a man’s life. So, great intuition, random lady on the train! He’s got a homeless guy. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”. They have signs that not only say, ‘Will work for food,’ some of them have what they want: ‘baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives.’” —A.J. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him. To put that into perspective for you, that’s twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Sometimes the lame jokes steal the show and make everyone laugh. That’s one of my favorite things to do. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, ‘Hero Tutor Teaches After School,’ and you’re like, ‘Yeah.’ Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York … I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! God then cast his gaze on a man who was not like everyone else. and Tiny, Lawyer Says. Los Angeles Jokes The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) October 15, 2013 by I know everything. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles.” ―Neil Simon, “Los Angeles is just New York lying down.” —Quentin Crisp, “I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized I’d had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles.” —George Carlin, “I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier.” —Henny Youngman, “The women in California, they get scared. I love to take the wife and kids, but it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood. Apply. The next day, Ben remained skeptical all the. 1 Video. Now, he wasn’t hurt. Although, I was at the library today. You can’t take yourself too seriously sometimes and just have to laugh. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. A single … But look at him, he’s wearing orange footie pajamas and he’s got tinfoil on his head and he’s playing a Casio!’” —David Cross, “They’ve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Alabama! Add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. The less amount of time you live, the better … in the eyes of the Post. "Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news.". Miami Heat. Look at her; she’s fucking beautiful! Good. I said you could borrow it, not have it! There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. 15 Jokes About Living in Los Angeles, Even IHOP Has Valet Matt Gilligan I personally like Los Angeles, but it definitely has its own vibe and it is a place unto itself. My lips are sealed, bro. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.” —Pete Holmes, “Even if you like New York, you’ll admit it’s not a nice place. A wake for the forward-thinking pop producer, featuring family, friends, collaborators, and followers. One day, his co-worker Ben got sick of him and said "Oh yeah?! Actually, corn dogs still work. A: Louisiana Sucks I'm not saying LSU basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game. You know? They’re beautiful. In case you don’t know what gentrified means, it’s when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? There are over 8 million people in this city. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. been living in LA for about 6 months and I regret to say the War to Avoid Parking Tickets is over and I have lost. So we recently asked 10 of our favorite local comedians to share their best jokes about the city. Why on earth would Steven put in so much effort to win back Lindsay, a cluster bomb of dashed expectations? Now I live in New York, and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Los Angeles . “I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. More jokes about: airplane, life, priest, travel, women A dick has a sad life. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. Here Are 7 Jokes About People In Illinois That Are Actually Funny. Now there’s a store that just sells mayonnaise … It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. LIVING IN LOS ANGELES A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The rest will dress themselves. He hates New York.” —Steven Wright, “I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. The receptionist answers. As I prepared for my speech, I wrote some notes and jokes on an index card. I tell … The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.” —Al Madrigal, “If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.” —Richard Jeni, “You can’t smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you can’t breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.” —Greg Proops, “Hollywood is like Picasso’s bathroom.” —Candice Bergen, “I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don’t know, it’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.” —W.C. We talked to writer-director Anthony Scott Burns about the glowing-eyed men in our dreams, sleep paralysis, Machine Gun Kelly Screams With Corpse Husband on ‘DAYWALKER!’. Tig Notaro Will Tell Jokes in Your Living Room—if You Ask Nicely. He’s going, ‘Hey, I can do this by myself; I don’t need a goddamn’ … It’s like the longest walk in the world for the dog.” —Norm Macdonald, “I went to Coney Island recently. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. Interested, he goes to learn more. When you get there, you gotta get out like, ‘All right, I’m home. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. It was the first time. Or hurricanes.” —Kumail Nanjiani, “This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. If you ever needed proof that the U.K. and U.S. are very different cultures, look no further than this episode. Log in or link your magazine subscription, This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go. Sharon Osbourne Passionately Defends Piers Morgan on, New Victim Claims She Was ‘Drugged and Trafficked’ by T.I. It would be like, ‘You seen this shit? The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her! well @candicepool and I have lost. I like having neighbors who aren’t writing screenplays.” —Rick Reynolds, “I do love America. I got a roommate to save money. Yeah. They bought their team, they spent the most money, they’re supposed to win … If you’re going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog.
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