When it comes to straightforward, no-nonsense wordplay and joke telling, Tim Vine really is king. '”, “I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”, “I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he? Tim Vine. Jokes to be precise and specifically the art of delivering a good gag at Christmas. Here are 55 of the comic master’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners: “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. I said 'I can't make Wednesdays.'. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate. See below * I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”, “I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions. The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs 105 of the best bad jokes I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from. '”, “I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. '”, “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. His winning joke was âIâve just been on ⦠This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. ⦠In 2004 Tim went into the Guinness World Record Book for the most jokes told in 1 hour. 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes As I drove away I called back to him, 'Go for it, the world's your oyster! See more ideas about tim vine, jokes, dad jokes. Day Coffee People. '”, “I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”, “Crime in multi-storey car parks. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books. No more Mr Rice Guy.”, “I once did a gig in a zoo. 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable By The Newsroom. Tim Puns A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe. The first one is on the house.”, “I did a gig in a fertility clinic. He calls himself the Punslinger, which just about sums up Tim Vineâs quick-fire style of comedy. That is wrong on so many different levels.”, “I went to a Pretenders concert. Tim Vine Parents-Family. Tim Vine delivers a good gag for Christmas ONE of Britainâs best-loved comedians Tim Vine is talking shop. Tim Vine: Sunset Milk Idiot is at Pleasance Courtyard, Aug 11-27; tickets.edfringe.com 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes She said "Tenpin?" 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes - The Guardian (UK) I can hardly contain myself.”, “I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." He is the younger brother of radio presenter and Strictly star, Jeremy Vine. 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes Tim Vine Quotes â One Liners By Record Breaking Comedian. Tim Vine was born in 1960s. 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Come on ladies and gentleman....give us your own Tim Vine style puns! Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids All rights reserved. Tim Vine is a Pisces and his 55th birthday is in . Childhood. '”, “Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”, “I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”, “I got home, and the phone was ringing. 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners Tim Vine fronts the pun-filled BBC Comedy pilot, âTim Vine Travels in Timeâ (Photo: BBC) By Alex Nelson. How old is Tim Vine?-Age. 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes I said, "I can't make Tuesdays." Comedian Tim Vine finds a selection of his favourite jokes to keep you chuckling in confinement Tim tells Katy Docherty his top jokes and gags ⦠Sorry, there was a problem with your subscription. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes. He broke a Guinness World Record in 2004 by telling 499 jokes within one hour.
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